An Open Letter:

Dear Baby Toy Manufactures,

Hello, this is my first attempt at contacting anyone outside my immediate family, so please do forgive me if I am not following some kind of adult-made-protocol as you people seem to have rules for everything (Example: I think peeing all over everything is perfectly fine, the parental units take issue with it.)  I am writing you because I feel you are in desperate need for feedback from someone in the trenches, and clearly you are seriously lacking good advice.

What in the Sam Doodle is with you peeps?  I mean seriously, you have millions of dollars and you can't make a single good toy that my parents will willingly hand me?  We babies get internal memos so that we can properly coordinate things like times to teeth, alter sleeping patterns, and give each other general feedback on ways to keep our Big People on their toes, and I have been monitoring the Toy Reports closely.  What is popular now?  Sophie the Giraffe.  Seriously?  Lets be frank here, my Mommy could totally go to Petsmart and buy me something comparable to Sophie, but it will look like a rolled up newspaper or a hot dog.  And she could get like 5 of them for the cost of that thing.  

Now I am not cost conscientious by any means, but I am aware of the fact my parents are and acutely so.  Therefore the cost of things is relevant because if I can score three things as opposed to one I am down for that.  Hellllooooo, I have an attention span of like 45 seconds max, that one expensive toy is so last minute already.  

Beyond this, why have you people not figured out how to make indestructible and "safe" (because my Mommy and Daddy are really particular about that) versions of cell phones, sunglasses, and car keys yet?  Oh yes, Mom got me one of those plastic primary colored pieces of garbage that you call "toy keys" and they had me entertained for like two minutes.  Have you seen real keys?  The jingle, they shine, they have this whole potentially dangerous air about them that draws us babies like a moth to a flame.  Sunglasses?  I can see me, chew them, and throw them against something and see a minor explosion.  And cell phones?  Ah, glorious cell phones.  They light up, make sounds, vibrate, and have an overall very fragile appearance to them that makes our parents quake when we reach for them.  

Yet, you still insist on making toys in primaries and pastels.  You still seem bent on bulky hollow versions of the real thing.  Have you not noticed the things we are most drawn to are glass and metal objects?  How could this have escaped your attention?  Do you not have children? Have you never met one?

In closing, I would really appreciate it if you would contact me regarding product testing.  I would quite willingly submit my self and my expertise so that you could cease offering such sub-standard products to the world at large.  I think when you consider all I have to say, and what I have to offer, you will realize that you could easily triple the insane amount of money you are probably already making and make the babies of the world happy.  If you do so, I could arrange for more sleeping through the night, better aim when we vomit, and even a means of communicating that we are currently peeing and you should not remove our diapers lest you wish to get hosed.  I am willing to meet in the middle and make some concessions if you are willing to comply.

Sincerely,

A baby

P.S. Could  you not pass this letter on to my Mommy and Daddy?  I'd hate for them to figure out that it was I that blew up their sunglasses last week.  Thanks.